Sunday is a special day for many women — a day full of warmth and joy. But for other women it’s a reminder of loss, estrangement, disappointment or pain.
And it’s often hard to admit in the midst of all the flowers and cards.
Read more about my story and the story of man others here.
Blessings!
Sheree
Our large family recent went on a vacation together; nearly 30 of us in the same house for a week. It was loads of fun. But there were also challenges.
Our church family goes through fun and hard times together, too. Just like yours.
You can read about my experience and how God used our vacation to point me to some real life stuff in our church here.
This is the final post (for now) in the series on sibling relationships. Joey is pictured here with his wife, Lauren, and our number eleven, Amelia. I’ve been sensitive to the kids putting Benny and me in only a good light out of a desire to honor us. So i’ve edited their posts accordingly. But Joey told me I couldn’t edit his post. I admit it; it brought tears to my eyes. I’m grateful to God for His grace in the lives of two young people who started having kids in the 70’s and had no clue what we were doing…He’s been faithful.
Family worship time in early ’88. I want my kids to grow up worshiping together, too.
When Mom asked us if we would want to contribute to her series on fostering sibling relationships, there were a few things that naturally sprang to mind. Homeschooling came first, then sports. Mom and Dad drove around most of Virginia, DC, and Maryland watching each of us play basketball; but they also put a court in our back yard to help make our house the place all our friends wanted to be. Then there was football, street hockey and 6 on 6 soccer with the neighborhood kids. 6 on 6 soccer in a yard about 15 yards long and 10 yards wide. Oh, and epic games of baseball, played with a tennis ball; the kind of game where if you got a couple men on base you had to go back to bat again, so there were “ghost” runners.
Jaime (far left) coached her sister (Janelle is in front of her) to a basketball championship. Now Jaime coaches her daughter, Kayla.
A few other things came to mind, most of which have already been touched on. The more I thought about it, though, the more clear it became to me that there was actually one particular thing about the way that mom and dad parented us kids that contributed to our relationships to this day.
They parented with a mission and we always knew what the mission was. Mom and Dad trained us to be respectful, obey them and others in charge, write thank you notes for birthday presents and clean up after dinner. But their primary mission wasn’t obedient and polite kids. Their mission was to bring glory to God. Since the church is the means God chose to display His glory, we knew that glorifying God meant giving our lives to the church. This fostered a sense of teamwork and loyalty that goes beyond sharing the same name and simply growing up together.
Proximity and a shared mission are probably the two biggest ways people grow close relationally. Siblings most always have the former, at least initially, but they should also have the latter. We did, and it permeated everything about our lives…and I think that fact is the greatest reason why we grew and remain so close. Let me give some examples of what this looked like growing up.
One of many street hockey games on our street. That’s Josh in goal.
In 1992 Fairfax Covenant Church, now Sovereign Grace Church of Fairfax, was fund raising in an attempt to purchase property to build a facility. It was called Challenge ’92. Even though I was only 7 years old I can remember the feeling of camaraderie, not just with my siblings, but the entire church. I remember going to the church-wide garage sale that took up an entire parking lot at a school. I remember doing lemonade stands, selling baseball and basketball cards to neighborhood kids, and finding whatever way I could to fill my huge, pink, plastic piggy bank. I remember getting progressively more nervous as the deadline approached for “Miracle Sunday.” I’ll remember that day until I die.
When dad walked onto the stage to announce the offering amount my heart was in my throat. When the room erupted I ran around in little circles yelling. It was awesome. I won’t go into the specifics here of the amount needed, and why it was such a miracle that the money was raised in time, but it was amazing.
Jesse and I played a lot of basketball together. When we moved to Florida we played for a private school and won some games together. Fun memories.
That experience helped grow my love for the church. It helped build a bond with my siblings because we were teaming up on something bigger than ourselves — something even more important than basketball. This is easy to see in an example that dramatic. But what Mom and Dad were so good at was teaching us that we were on the mission 24/7.
I’ve told the story to folks before of being at a birthday sleepover when I was 11 and didn’t stand up for a kid who we all thought had fallen asleep while guys mocked him. Turns out he did hear the mean comments and was understandably devastated. Mom and Dad heard learned about what happened. I was disciplined pretty good (yes, my parents spanked us) and grounded from a basketball game (the most horrifying punishment). Some might say their response to my cowardice was harsh. That it was not showing “grace.” But I knew otherwise.
I understood that discipline is a means of grace. I knew that what I had done was wrong, not just because it was an act of cowardice but because I had allowed another believer to be slandered and maligned, which creates discord and rivalry, which hinders the mission of the church bringing glory to God. And yes, my parents articulated that to me at 11 and I understood and agreed. I still agree to this day.
As we grew older, this sense of mission and a desire to serve the church has remained and informs our relationships. It’s why we all decided to participate with them in a new church plant in Lake Nona last January. Not that we couldn’t have participated in the mission while staying at our former church, or that we all have to be at the same church forever (Josh and Jesse both have been members of other churches at various times.) But this was something new; a way we hadn’t been able to serve together before. It was going to force us to work harder, give up more time, spend a lot more gas money, and serve in areas we never had before. Who would I rather do that with than the mom and dad who taught trained me to love God’s church, and siblings who I’ve been on a mission with for as long as I can remember?
Leading our church in worship is one of my favorite things to do with my siblings. Being at Redeemer Church now means I can also do this with my wife, Lauren (singing). That’s Jake leading on keys with me on bass.
My daughter is almost two, and we are hoping for 6 or 7 more (just kidding Baby Love…just 5.) I want Amelia to have a close relationship with any siblings she ends up with. I want her to have what I have. But mainly I want her to love God, know Christ, and love the things that He loves. As kids, we always knew Mom and Dad cared more about our spiritual state than anything. We knew they cared about us loving the same things they loved because they loved the same things God loves. We bought into the mission because we saw them living it. That mission is the reason we are close.
So with my daughter that’s where it starts, too. It doesn’t start with teaching her that family comes first or that blood is thicker than water. It isn’t about raising a daughter that loves her parents and siblings.
It’s about raising a kid who hungers for God.
Hey, mom and dad you should…oh wait.
It was the winter of 1986 when Benny and I got into the van after a sonogram. Back then they were only done when a problem was suspected. The problem had been found. My doctor told me the only thing I could do to prevent what he thought was a pending miscarriage was complete red rest. If I didn’t lose the baby in a week he would see me again.
I closed the van door and cried. How in the world was I going to stay in bed for the next week?!? I had four children ranging from 18 months to not quite eight years. My mother and sister lived nearby but had full time jobs. I knew Benny would be helpful but he had to work. All I knew was I needed to do my part to protect my unborn baby — but I was scared.
Who would occupy Joey who was getting into everything? Oh, and potty training with Jesse would have to be delayed…again! Our home schooling schedule would certainly have to change since the only time a bed-trapped teacher could work with her first and third graders was when little brothers were napping. And what about all the other household work of a large family? I realized pretty quickly that a week of Benny trying to keep up with towels and underwear wasn’t so bad.
When we got home we sat Josh and Jaime down to talk. At nearly 8 and 6 1/2 we knew they would want to chip in. They were excited about mommy having another baby and a week really wasn’t that long. Gratefully, I had been working with them to learn the discipline of daily and weekly chores for a couple of years. But this was a tall order for my young kids.
The hoped-for week of bed rest turned into five long weeks. Friends brought meals twice a week and Benny rolled up his sleeves to help each evening. But the majority of the work fell onto Josh and Jaime to prevent Benny from having to do it all. They decided Jesse really didn’t need to wait until he was three to be potty trained and Jaime was a second mommy to Joey anyway. They made pbnj’s and boxed mac and cheese and carted all their homeschool books to my bedroom each afternoon after they put their brothers down for a nap. They vacuumed; made beds; brought laundry to my bed to be folded; straightened bathrooms; took phone messages (no cell phones back then and the phone was tied to the kitchen wall with a cord!); rejoiced over little-brother-potty successes; loaded and unloaded the dishwasher using a chair to climb up on counters to reach cabinets; and made sure Mommy had food and drinks throughout the day.
The day I finally came home with a sono picture of their baby brother or sister alive and well was a special one for Benny and me. Not only had God spared our baby’s life, but we were also able to thank Josh and Jaime for their hard work and sacrifice. That fall Janelle Marie was born to a very excited older brother and sister.
And Jesse was indeed potty trained.
Teaching kids to work in the home has many benefits. You may never need your school age kids to take care of you because you’re bed ridden. And it may take years before you see the fruit of your training. The honest fact is this: teaching kids to serve and work in the home is hard work for Mom! It’s much easier to make beds and clean bathrooms yourself. And dealing with their attitudes when they don’t want to help makes doing it yourself easier. Moms who train their children to serve around the house double the work for awhile. We do our work — and oversee theirs.
But believe me, the longterm fruit is worth it. All but one of my kids went through the messy teen years when I wondered if they forgot everything they were taught about neatness and I often elected to just keep their doors closed. At times I had to also remove junk from the passenger side of their vehicle to make enough room to ride with them. But I watched them endure from work being fun because they got to spray windex on the sliding glass door to work being rewarding because neighbors noticed them mowing our yard and asked to pay them to mow theirs. They worked through conflicts and bitterness when it their Saturday morning chore list was longer than their siblings. They sang Disney songs while they cleaned up after dinner — and sometimes still do. They celebrated when their older brother’s business became profitable enough to fulfill his dream of hiring family members (and others). And now they’re working together side by side at Redeemer Church to take the gospel to a new area in Central Florida. (More on that from Joey tomorrow…and yes, it’s hard work.)
Moms, teach your children to work. To pick up their toys rather than developing an entitlement attitude that expects others to clean up after them. To help set the table, knowing the silverware will be cockeyed. To make their bed even though you’ll be tempted to go back and straighten it later. And to rake leaves and pull weeds and mow grass and “wash” windows — and then congratulate them for a job well done despite the imperfections.
Last night my dining room table had several people sitting around it, including four in our family. It started with taking their plates to the kitchen when they were too short to reach the sink. Now they’re brainstorming about company finances and praying through how to grow ProVisionIT to provide provision for more families in the future.
Jesse was right; all play and no work isn’t a good road to the future for your kids.
And the future will be here before you know it.
Photo credit: Mary Powell
Today’s guest contributor is my son, Jesse, pictured here with Rebekah, Sam, Issac and Josiah.
The obvious meaning of the verse above is if you sit around and do nothing you’ll end up poor. If you work hard, you won’t be poor. Of course, it is a wisdom saying that alludes to a general principle that can’t be strictly interpreted to conclude the inverse (anyone poor became poor by not working hard). But the general principal is true: work produces benefit. I think this is true for sibling relationships as well. Working together as siblings produces benefits.
Enough about scriptural principals, let’s talk about me:
When we were young our oldest brother, Josh, hired Joey and me to work for a lawn care and snow removal company he managed. As young teens (or was Joey like ten or eleven?) we were operating commercial mowers and sometimes working through the night when snowstorms rolled into northern Virginia. If you know Joey ask him about the time one of the mowers got away from him; or let Josh tell you the story of the night he shoveled show until he was nearly delirious with hypothermia. Fun times.
Working for Josh under the supervision of some guys from Mexico who moved to Virginia each summer to work taught Joey and me (and later, Jake) how to work hard. The last thing we wanted the Mexican guys to call us was “too much lazy.” Joey and I decided to start J&J Lawn Services. Being the marketing guru that I am, I changed the name to J&J Lawns. That had a much better ring.
When we moved to Florida when Joey and I were in our mid teens we started LaMerritt Lawns. Josh was our investor and Dad gave up his garage for us. We even filed a corporation and had an accountant. We were big shot executives, greedy capitalists, and sweaty grass-covered landscape technicians all rolled into one.
Joey and I operated LaMerritt Lawns long enough to get me through college. We bought a truck and trailer, and 36” and 61” hydraulic powered SCAG mowers. We mowed soccer fields and other small commercial properties to pay for gas, food and whatever else the Bright Futures academic scholarship didn’t cover. We continued to use our Toyota truck even after I did a 360 on a rain drenched ramp near our house shortly before a neighbor’s tree bent the bed during Hurricane Charley in 2004. (That tree made a beeline for our truck that day.)
I didn’t realize it then, but the experience of working with siblings and family was only just the beginning.
After college I worked with my dad at our church. When the church encountered some financial challenges I volunteered to get employment elsewhere. Once again Josh came through and offered me a job working for an IT company he started six years ago. The brother who taught me how to mow lawns (perfectly!) taught me that “IT is as much about fixing people as fixing computers.” Josh recently turned down a job he was offered by his biggest client and recommended me for the position. The board decided to settle for me. But since Josh’s offices are on the same property as my new employer I still get to partner with my brothers. (Did I mention Joey is now the Pres of Josh’s company; Jake worked there until he left last summer for law school; and Mom does account management from home?)
I’ve worked for and with family my entire life. Even when I tried to escape, the one place I interviewed with was Florida Hospital, where—you guessed it—my father-in-law is an executive. And ‘He who sits in the heavens laughs’ (Pr. 2:4).
All joking aside, I can’t overstate the value of working together as families and as siblings specifically. Character is formed and camaraderie built by getting a job done and then getting paid for it. Of course, we didn’t get paid for making our beds and helping Dad with yard work when we were kids. Mom always said, “Being family has privileges and responsibilities” so serving around the house wasn’t something we were paid to do. It was a lot of fun when others started paying us, though.
Learning to depend on and cover for each other helped build trust and encourage unselfishness. Saying “he did it!” might work when your mom asks what went wrong. However, blame shifting doesn’t work when it’s a client asking why his backyard wasn’t mowed. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is; you both don’t get paid.
Of course, it hasn’t always been fun and games. Any time you work with someone day after day you get upset with each other. And not many of us would invite our boss over for Thanksgiving. But hey, it comes with the territory of a family business. There’s something about it that helps reflects a biblical view of vocation by merging the worlds of work and family.
Working together as siblings helps increase respect for each other and gives plenty of opportunities to forgive. Remember the previous posts on forgiveness? Well, that doesn’t end when you’re adults. Josh and I have both had to forgive each other for sins we committed against each other while at work.
The part of the overbearing boss is played by Josh. The part of the griping subversive employee played by Jesse. Action!
Families were not meant to live disconnected lives and go separate directions during the day, returning to the house at night. Neither were sibling relationships meant to end after kids move out of the house.
We were meant to work together, labor together and partner with each other in this thing called life. That’s our calling and our vocation, whether we have a family business or not. Sometimes adult siblings can’t work side by side because they live states apart. But working together involves far more than fixing computers or mowing lawns together; it involves linking hearts to be there for each other in whatever ways brothers and sisters desire and should. As a dad of three young boys, I believe this starts with teaching my sons to labor together in the stuff of daily life.
As I look back over my experience of working for and with my siblings, both as a child and now as an adult, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’m not sure I would have the work ethic I have had it not been for the example of my siblings. Our experiences working together, making many fun memories and challenging each other to excel helped me to be who I am today. I know my relationships with my siblings would not be as strong as they are had childhood been all play and no work.
The other day I walked out into the yard and saw Issac pulling weeds with Rebekah. While I don’t think he got all the roots up, I couldn’t help but think about the years he and Sam may spend plotting their next big business venture together, and then working with each other to achieve their dreams of becoming rich enough to buy their own ice cream.
This series on sibling relationships has been intentionally personal. We have enjoyed sharing our struggles and trials — and making some fun of each other along the way. A couple of my kids will be finishing up the series early next week, but today I want to deviate from family illustrations and stories to collaborated research about sibling relationships.
The reality is that siblings usually have the longest-lasting relationships in a person’s life. For example, my father died when I was 22 and my mother when I was 46. I have been married for 39 years and became a mother 34 years ago. However, I have been a sibling all of my 58 years.
Preparing for and writing this series (along with my kids) prompted me to do some secular research on this topic. Honestly, I didn’t know what I would find. But my research turned up some interesting stuff that has been confirmed in my own family:
Even those who don’t have a Christian worldview and who don’t adhere to biblical principles for relationship management agree: sibling relationships are really important.
Warmth and closeness between kids — along with wisely mediated conflict resolution by parents — can not only create a gospel-saturated culture in our own homes but can also prepare our children for the harsh realities of navigating life in a sin-saturated world.
When your child bonks his brother on the head and says, “If you don’t gimme that I’ll never play with you again!” or your teen reacts to her sister with eye-rolling arrogance and slams the door in her face, we parents can react in several different ways. If you’re like me, the first impulse probably isn’t the best one. Reacting in anger, frustration, exasperation or resorting to lecturing isn’t going to help. After all, “man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life God desires” (James 1:20).
I love how my daughter, Jaime, responded to my granddaughters recently when biting and hair pulling happened between them. In describing her own relationship with her sister, Janelle, Jaime told Annie and Danae, “When I was your age I didn’t like Nelly. She drove Mama crazy and I wanted to bite her and pull her hair.” Rather than fuss or lecture (which Jaime would be the first to admit is sometimes her response) she decided to demonstrate the gospel to her girls. (You can read the full story here.)
The gospel says we are more like our kids than we are different than them. We sin. We get angry, frustrated, irritable and selfish. We bite with words instead of teeth. And when we were young we did all kinds of mean things to our siblings — in our hearts and probably through our behavior. Empathizing with our children’s temptations and struggles opens the door to grace. If Jaime had launched in to a self-righteous lecture, Annie and Danae would have politely listened and maybe even mechanically apologized to each other to end Mom’s tirade about them needing to be nice to each other. But learning that Mommy, too, wanted to bite and pull her sister’s hair “qualified” Jaime to patiently instruct and correct them.
So let’s rewind the tape of Annie and Danae’s angry interaction. Jaime walks into the room to hear what happened and explains that she, too, wanted to do the same things to Nellie. The rest of the conversation might go something like this:
“Girls, Mommy knows how hard it is to love your sister. Nellie and Mommy were mean to each other. We argued and said mean things. Nellie messed up my stuff and Mommy made Nellie believe I didn’t love her. But now we are best friends because Jesus helped us. You can only really love one another and not bite and pull each other’s hair with His help. Jesus died on the cross so He could forgive you of what you did to each other just now, and so He could help you to forgive your sister.”
I don’t know what Jaime did after she talked to Annie and Danae. Perhaps she took them aside, corrected them and then brought them back to the very place where the biting and hair pulling happened. Maybe she “recreated” the scene and walked them through a better way to respond when your sister won’t give you what you want — patiently asking for it then coming to ask Mommy for help if things don’t go well. Kids don’t just need to be corrected for wrong doing; they need to be shown how to do things right. (It’s that put off/put on principle in scripture.) And then encouraged every time they choose to respond patiently rather than react angrily.
But whatever she did was humble. Empathetic. Gospel-driven. Why? Because the gospel says we and our children are sinful, flawed, weak creatures in need of a Savior to help us treat each other the way He treats us. But we and they are also loved, cherished and empowered to do this because He died to make it possible.
You can barely see Jaime in this pic…how could she not love a cute little girl like this? 🙂
Today’s post is from Janelle, our fifth, who is married to Eric and is an orthopedic nurse.
So far, you have heard from my younger brother, Jake, on the importance of forgiveness and repentance in sibling relationships. Even though he dissed me and said my laugh is loud and annoying (ok… maybe it is) I wholeheartedly agree with him. You also heard from my older sister, Jaime. I felt good when I read her post because I don’t ever remember us biting or pulling each other’s hair like her girls do – so there is definitely hope for Annie and Danae.
This post has less about what you can do to foster close sibling relationships in your own kids and more about how God uses bad circumstances to do good things between siblings. The pictures on this page are a testimony to God’s faithfulness…more on that later.
Let’s face it, when we are going through a great season where everything is going our way, everyone is being nice to us, the Lord is blessing, and our kids are being kind to each other (or in my case, my husband is being kind to me) it’s easy to cruise along and be happy.
But when I think back to the seasons of my life I felt closest to my siblings I remember the aftermath of difficulties and trials. As a kid I was less aware of this than I am now. However, after reaching adulthood, some of my sweetest memories with my siblings were during times of intense heartache. Two of these memories stand out more than any others.
Oldest brother Josh. The tears started with him.
I was eleven when my eighteen-year-old sister Jaime got married. I didn’t think much about it. All I knew was that PJ was nice to me and that I liked him, and that Jaime and I weren’t close because she didn’t like me. (Of course, it had nothing to do with me be an annoying little sister!) As time when on, however, I began to better understand what happened. You see, Jaime and PJ were keeping their relationship secret from our family because they knew Dad and Mom wouldn’t approve. This was the hardest thing our family had walked through. The months that followed were difficult as my parents, sister and new brother-in-law carefully walked through the repercussions of this decision. I remember Mom crying a lot and Dad being unusually quiet. I was fearful and anxious about the future. Our normally happy, loud house was sad and quiet.
Soon after the marriage Jaime wanted to take me to the mall. I was surprised since she had never done this before. We laughed and hung out. I had the time of my life with a sister I secretly adored but had never been close to. As we were walking she suddenly stopped, looked at me intently and said, “Missy, you have to promise me something.” I had no idea what to expect. “You have to promise that when you like a boy, even just a little bit, you will tell Mom and Dad and trust them.” She was so serious and passionate I had no choice but to agree.
Tall brother Jesse. He always makes me smile.
I never forgot that promise to my sister. I can point back to that moment as the moment we became friends. In fact, she helped Mom plan my wedding and in May 2010 she was my matron of honor. Few were as supportive and happy as Jaime to see me marry the love of my life. Because she made me promise to trust my parents, Eric was the first serious relationship I had….and Mom and Dad were the first to hear that I had my eye on him.
The other memory finds me at my grandmother’s gravesite. Nanny’s funeral had been both somber and joyous as we celebrated the fact that she was now in heaven with her Savior, her husband and her son — free from the cancer that had been diagnosed only weeks before. The previous months had been draining on our whole family. Just two weeks earlier, and within days of Nanny’s diagnosis, we had moved to Orlando from the only home we had known; a home we shared with Nanny. Now one of my favorite people in the world was suddenly gone. After watching her coffin laid to rest, I wanted to escape all of it. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I moved away from everyone and broke down crying. I had been crying all day but these were different tears; tears of despair and anger. I didn’t notice him walking up but then felt Joey’s arm go around me. He wasn’t one to show affection easily, especially to me, but he saw me crying and wanted to comfort me. He didn’t say a word.
Sweet brother Joey. (With Jaime looking on.) I’ll remain forever grateful for his hugs.
What Joey didn’t know was that memory would stick with me through the extremely difficult time of going back to Orlando to no friends and the grief of losing Nanny. Mom and Dad were still trying to process and deal with her death, as well as the circumstances that led to our move in the first place. God used my providential loneliness to force me to the Scriptures for solace and comfort. I don’t know what would have happened if Joey hadn’t silently comforted me. Maybe I would have trusted God with my grief, but perhaps I would have turned into a bitter teenager who thought that God was cruel and unloving. What I do know, however, is that moment brought me closer to a brother who put aside his personality to comfort his little sister.
These memories are only two out of probably hundreds. Now that we’re all adults, my siblings and I continue to walk through trials and hardships. I know without a doubt that we all have each other’s backs. I know they sincerely want what is best for me. And I know that the prayers of my parents are being answered through the good times, but mostly through trials.
My nearest brother Jake. We fought. We bickered. We became friends. And here we cried.
So please take heart. God can forge a bond between your own children. He will use your prayers that will tested and tried through the flames of hardship, loss and grief. One my wedding day I experienced the love of my siblings in a profound way. My sisters were my attendants and my brothers surprised me with a reception dance where they each cut in to dance with me one by one. I will never forget their expression of love for me that day.
In Luke 22 we find Jesus reclining at the Last Supper with his disciples. After breaking bread and drinking wine Jesus tells them one of them will betray him. What did they do? Say things like, “Oh Jesus, thank you for being willing to die for us!” or “How hard this must be for you, to suffer and die!” Yeah, no.
“A dispute also arose among them, as to which of them was to be regarded as the greatest.”
My newest brother PJ. He always liked me.
It reminds me of when all of my family is together at a birthday party and Mom initiates our normal tradition of honoring me – the birthday kid. But somehow the conversations turns to my brothers arguing about whose basketball career was the most impressive. They all claim personal rights; Joey because of his last second three pointer in the playoffs; Josh because he scored 1,000 points by his junior year; Jake because he….just because he’s the best at everything; and Jesse because he dominated the paint. Okay, not a perfect analogy.
In His moment of greatest need Jesus could have said, “Guys! I am about do DIE! I am the greatest, you nimrods! How can you be thinking of yourselves at a time like this?!?” Rather, He gently reminds them that the greatest would also be the one who serves. But the most surprising thing to me that he says is right after.
“You are those who have stayed with me in my trials.”
That echoes in my heart.
Mom and Dad, you are those who have exemplified what it means to pray for your children through trials.
Josh, Jaime, Jesse, Joey, Jake, Julia…you are those who have stayed with me in my trials.
P.S. The rest of the story: Jaime and PJ will celebrate their 15th anniversary in March, and Dad and Mom love him. Well…mostly because he helped give them Kayla, Wyatt, Annie and Danae.
This is my oldest daughter, Jaime, with PJ and their adorable kids. Jaime is guest posting today as I continue a series on sibling relationships.
I have always said I should have been born first. Instead, I was the second of seven. This meant that once I got old enough to babysit I did the cooking and cleaning; bathed the little ones; and was the one who reported to Mom and Dad when they got home, but Josh was still “in charge”. He loved bossing me around until I was an early teen – that’s when I grew taller, stronger, and more athletic than him. (All of which he’ll probably comment on at some point, but believe me instead.)
Hey, we’re only 9 and 10 here…so certainly I out grew him soon after this! I’ve always loved my big brother!
But I am not here to talk about Josh’s past nightmares and bitterness but about how my parents did their part to help us kids to love each other.
I used to hear my mom introduce us as her “liter” at times. She would laugh about how we all had to do everything together and never wanted to be alone. I thought she was crazy since, at that time, all I wanted was to be alone. I idolized my neighbor friend, Christina, who was an only child who had her own room; daydreamed about what it would be like to not have Janelle tagging along and breaking everything I owned; wished I didn’t have to worry about Jesse saying something strange and embarrassing me in front of friends or total strangers; and resented Josh being the boss when I did all the work.
The reality is, Mom was right. (She loves it when we say that!) Regardless of the moments when I craved solitude or sinless siblings, I wanted them around. This became most clear to me when I got married. I found myself still going to pick up a kid or two to go to a movie, the playground or the grocery store.
The age gap lessened and now they really are my friends.
How did this happen?
First, we were homeschooled. (Disclaimer: I do not believe that you have to be homeschooled to have good sibling relationships or that homeschooling is for everyone. I am only sharing ways my parents instilled a love for each other in our particular family.)
Back when my parents started homeschooling there no homeschool co-ops and they knew only one other family in our entire county who was homeschooling. (No, we didn’t live in the hills of West Virginia but in suburban Washington, DC.) Our “socialization” come from each other. We were the basketball, front-yard soccer and street hockey teams; study partners; tutors; field trip partners and debate team competitors. This created an environment where we had to rely on each other for friendship that other kids could easily find elsewhere. Although annoying at times, and something I sometimes greatly disliked, I am grateful to be one of those rare people who is still best friends with those I went to school with.
Second, like Jake said on Friday, mom forced us to pursue reconciliation and and to ask each other’s forgiveness. That’s right, she literally forced us to apologize to each other. And she didn’t just make us apologize but also had us look at each other’s eyes and hug one another! Although that may sound like it was “fake” or wrong because it was mere outward behavior, it created in us the habit of righting wrongs. Yes, at 14, when I had to apologize to 8-year-old Janelle (again) for yelling at her, my heart was not all there. I may have been faking my regret, but I was developing a habit of going back and admitting I was wrong. And Missy was developing a habit of practicing forgiveness. Regardless of what was going on my heart at 14, or 10, or 4, that habit turned into a conviction. Now I pretty routinely go back and ask for forgiveness when I have wronged somebody – even if I still don’t feel like it. In the process of asking my siblings for forgiveness hundreds of times, we learned that having a tender conscience resulted in realizing we really did love one another enough to “get right” with one another. Over the years I learned my siblings not only know me best but were the first to genuinely forgive me – even and especially when my weakness and sin hurt them badly.
I may not have had the full regret and remorse of my actions at 14, but at 18 my actions rocked my sibling’s world; yet they were eagerly waiting to forgive me. That heart continues. Last week I reacted impatiently and harshly to my brother, Joey. When I called to work things out with him he responded with,“I know you and knew we were already fine before this call.” We may not have been so quickly “fine” as young children, but the practice of having to humble ourselves and be reconciled (at least on the outside) — instilled in us by my parents as young children – means now that we’re adults an apology isn’t even always required to forgive one another.
Through the many trials through which our family as walked, many people came and went. I’ve learned (the hard way at times) to rely on God, my parents, and my siblings…no matter what. The trials were small when we were young (like having to share a room with my little sister) but as the trials have grown we now run to each other to reconcile.
Finally, and what might sound a little strange, is this: my parents told us to be and act like friends. I can’t count the number of times we had conversations about the importance of friendship with our brothers and sisters. As Mom has mentioned, she learned this from my Nannie and her siblings. I hated the “I dream that someday you and Missy will be friends so you need to start treating her like one now” comments. I listened politely but argued in my heart. Yet, it had an affect. I was a mean sister to her. But even when I thought I had damaged my relationship with Janelle too much, I had a glimmer of hope because Mom said it could happen.
Biting and hair pulling? These two cuties? Yep! But they do love each other.
After a recent fight between my two youngest girls (ages 4 and 6) I sat them down to talk. One had bit her sister, and the other retaliated by pulling her sister’s hair. They were both crying and giving each other mean stares. I asked them if their Aunt Nelly and Mommy were friends. 6-year-old Anniston said, “Yes, like best friends or something.” “Yes, we are. But when I was your age I didn’t like Nelly. She drove Mama crazy and I wanted to bite her and pull her hair.” They both stared at me with wide-eyed shock. I explained to them that they could be best friends when they grew up, were going to love each other so much and needed to treat each other kindly now because of that. Afterwards, I “forced” them to ask forgiveness. 🙂
Recently he surprised me by driving back from law school late one night…I love it when I hear him come through the door.
Days later I heard Danae tell someone that Annie would be her best friend. I smiled. I smile when I hear Kayla say the same unkind things to Annie that I did to Janelle or treat Wyatt the same way I treated Jesse. Why does this make me smile? Because I know that they are getting to know each other. They will know each other’s shortcomings more than anyone else. I smile more when I see them playing basketball out front together, or watch Kayla help Wyatt with math, or listen to one of them try to convince everyone to get in to pool because it’s more fun to all be together. I hear Mom in my own voice when I explain to Kayla that Wyatt is way younger than her now — but someday she will probably get really excited when she hears the front door open and realize it’s him coming over to talk about politics or sports or to watch a show with her. Yeah. Like when our hearts jump because Uncle Jakey just walked in.
My husband, an only child, now benefits from the relationship with my brothers and sisters as well. They are his brothers and sisters and his best friends, too. I’m thankful that Mom and Dad homeschooled us, forced us to forgive (and love each other at times), and told us to be friends. Although it was certainly annoying as a child, I am now annoying my own children with faith that one day the first person they call when something annoying, happy, sad, devastating, or just random and funny happens is one of their siblings.
As the sibling relationship series continues, I want to offer some heartfelt thoughts…and cautions. Any time family relationships comes up it stirs emotion.
One of my readers asked the excellent question, “What do you mean by close”?
What if your closest relationships are with those outside your family and everyone is fine with that? Is family closeness something for which we reach and seek to build, or something we trust God to do if He chooses? Does the Bible require biological families to be best friends? Is He more pleased with siblings who would rather vacation with each other than with anyone else?
Family “closeness” varies. There is no biblical definition of what family relationships should look like — except that the Bible is clear about how Christians should treat one another. We are called to love. Serve. Encourage. Rebuke. Be patient. Forgive. Be humble. Confess faults and sins. Be affectionate. Believe the best. Not be critical. God’s righteous demands are required of all of us in every relationship, including with our family members.
Whew. Hard stuff. Living this way is only possible because of the help provided by the indwelling Spirit of God! But because He died and sent the Holy Spirit to live in us, we have the power to obey Him. And to be forgiven when we don’t.
This series is for parents. It’s not designed to address the many aspects of adult sibling relationships. Nor is it meant to define what sibling closeness should look like in every family. We can only be certain on what something should “look like” when the Bible is clear.
As parents, we usually want everything about our kid’s lives to be better than ours. We want to help the avoid youthful sin; have more money; get a better education; struggle less; make fewer mistakes; suffer less; and be close to their siblings when they grow up so we can all have Norman Rockwell Christmases together. Whatever we do now doesn’t guarantee results later. Adult children make their own decisions and sometimes choose to forsake parental instruction to go their own way. And sometimes God uses the very trials we want them to avoid to be the conduit through which grace and change come. The simple fact is your five and seven-year-olds might agree now to be besties when they grow up, then end up living on opposite sides of the country and rarely communicate on a deeper than superficial level.
The question I am attempting to provide a response to is, “How can I do my part to see my kids love each other, now and in the future?”
Dear friends, Bob and Julie, and their expanding family. Such precious memories of our years together in northern Virginia. Our oldest daughters remain dear friends to this day.
Please don’t read my words — or the words of my kids who are contributing to this series– and think we are trying to paint a picture to hang on the walls of your home. Honestly, just doing this series has reminded us all of the “dangers, toils and snares” through which our family has walked: things that could have divided us rather than held us together. And as Jake said on Friday, we know many families who have strong and close relationships (like a family we dearly love pictured here) and don’t see our family as unique or special.
So, no, every family doesn’t have to share our definition or practice of closeness. But every parent who professes Christ as Lord has a responsibility to not only uphold biblical principles in how we treat and love others (help, Lord!) but to also teach our kids to do the same. What better place to begin and practice than in our own home?
Believe me, our family doesn’t take our relationships for granted. In fact, we’ve been tested enough that we sometimes marvel at God’s faithfulness.
I was raised by a mother who showed me what a family legacy can look like when people decide to love each other through sin; disappointment; grief; gossip; critical judgement; distance; and all manner of offenses. Then He gave Benny and me seven kids who we dared believe could emerge from a childhood fraught with common sibling meanness, bickering, jealousy and selfishness with friendships purified by forgiveness and loyal love.
My hope in doing this series is to cast “a” vision — not “the” vision — for doing the hard work day in and day out to train children to obey Biblical commands for how to treat their brothers and sisters. Our parental role can’t be results driven, but obedience-to-God driven. I know godly parents who worked hard to build a culture of love between their kids, only to see them walk away from the family altogether. The comfort these parents have is they did their best to teach the Bible’s one anothers to their children. Through disappointment they are learning to understand the story is not over for them or their children.
Our oldest daughter, Jaime, has four children. She learned a lot about how to manage a home and family by being Mom’s helper when she was growing up. She also learned that having daughters who bite and pull each other’s hair is nothing to worry about as long as they are “forced” to love each other.
You’ll read her story tomorrow.
Mom grew up in Roanoake, Virginia in the 30’s and 40’s. Granny was a stay-at-home mom like every mother in those days. My grandfather was a hard working blue collar guy who worked long hours to support eight children. I don’t remember how old I was the first time I heard Mom and her siblings say, “The only toys we had were each other.”
It was apparent to me from a young age that those eight siblings were close. We spent many Sunday afternoons at Aunt Vergie’s laughing over repeatedly told (and embellished…smile) stories of family life in rural southwest Virginia. Most of my 25 first cousins lived within an hour of each other; when we got together food and laughs abounded.
Most days when I was growing up I overheard Mom talking to at least one of The Sisters. I could hear her laughing from wherever I was in the house. And sometimes I could also hear her fussing over something that had happened in the family. Mom’s three brothers were all younger and two of them spent a lot of time at our house eating, living there temporarily and yes, laughing. My Uncle Alvin once showed up with an anteater he won in a card game. I don’t think my brother Randy ever forgave Mom for not letting him keep it.
I was twelve when Uncle Alvin was severely burned in a house fire in the late 60’s. Mom spent day and night at this side watching him suffer an agonizing death. One night after the funeral I found her sitting alone in the dark crying. It’s my first memory of Mom telling me how important it was to stay close to my siblings.
“Honey, friends will come and go. I know you think your friends are really important but someday they will probably all be gone. But your brothers and sister will be there for you all your life.”
Mom didn’t know then that my older brother would break his neck in a swimming accident at age 21 when I was 16 — just when I started learning what she meant. When Randy died six years later I knew I had lost a lifelong friend. Three years after his death, our first miracle baby was on the way. I started praying that Benny and I could carry on Mom’s legacy of sibling closeness while I was growing our firstborn son. God knew then what I didn’t: this medically infertile woman would become the mother of seven.
Our seven J’s in 1995
The youngest of the seven that I once looked down to is now eighteen and before long her oldest brother will be 35. As I typed this post over the weekend, three of them were sitting in the family room playing some old Nintendo 2 game. Yesterday a bunch of us watched the Redskins game together (while Benny texted with Jake about two hours north at law school) after spending the morning serving and worshiping together at Redeemer Church. Living within five minutes of each other has been a meaningful expression of the kid’s desire to stay connected to each other — and allowed Josh and Rach to ask Jaime to expand her little home school to include their two school-aged kids.
People regularly ask us what we did to foster closeness between our kids. That’s the reason for this post today; the first of several in a series on sibling relationships. They see the love and loyalty between our seven J’s and wonder what they can do as parents of younger kids to create a culture of family affection amoung siblings who fuss and fight more than they hug and kiss.
Benny and I smile.
What people don’t know is about the time I called Benny at the office to inform him that toddlers Jesse and Joey were having a fist fight over matchbox cars. Or the night Janelle was in tears (again) over mean things her brothers said or did, resulting in Rachel confronting her adolescent brothers-in-law. Or the damage arrogance and unkindness between Josh and Jaime produced in their teen years. Or the times proud, insensitive or angry comments have required apologies between adult siblings as recently as this past weekend.
In addition to the common challenges our large family has experienced over the years, there have also weighty trials through which we have walked when sin (ours and others) threatened to tear our family apart, but became the Spirit-born glue that miraculously forged a deeper bond between us.
I think there are things parents can do and not do that help create a culture of loyal love between siblings. I will share some of those things over the coming days, not because our family is perfect or we’ve discovered a formula for making sure we stay close. Honestly, I think we have some things to offer for the very opposite reason: we’ve messed up, hurt one another, asked forgiveness and found hope in gospel-reconciling truths available to every Christian. A couple of readers suggested that I involve some of our kids to share their thoughts and experiences. I’ve invited any of our children who desire to weigh in to talk about whatever is on their heart — good, bad or ugly — that might help parents of still-at-home kids to prize one another as lifelong friends. So far three of them have said they would love to talk about the joys and struggles of being raised by parents who “made them” love each other.
Our seven J’s in 2011
But let me say this: there are two things to which I most attribute the warm relationship between my kids today. First, the advice a mother gave to her 12-year-old daughter over four decades ago; advice I watched her live out all her life with my uncles and The Sisters. And, second, God’s faithfulness to answer the prayers of some young parents who dared to believe that kids who said and did mean things to each other would end up carrying Mom’s legacy into a new generation.
I once heard someone say, “If you aim at nothing you’ll hit it.” Encouraging close relationships among your kids requires having a vision; something at which you are willing to aim and then pray your heart out that God will empower your efforts to do your part. Mom gave me that — and I hope to pass it along to you.
Writer and Author
Musings on the Faithfulness of God
A Rich Harvest of Ideas to Help Your Marriage Grow
The latest news on WordPress.com and the WordPress community.
Faith Rising 